Darlene
Certified Member
Share an example of when spiritual care made a meaningful impact
This situation involved a patient who really challenged me with her questions, but with whom I also formed a profound relationship. I’ll call this patient Brenda, a pseudo name.
Brenda was a 68-year-old woman who was brought into emergency on the evening her husband died at home. When the ambulance took Brenda’s husband away to the Medical Examiner’s office, they also brought Brenda into emergency because of both her emotional and physical condition. She was very traumatized and had very bad diabetes in her legs.
I was on call that Monday evening and got called to the hospital about 11:30 pm. When I arrived, Brenda was in the hallway of emergency on a stretcher. I introduced myself and told her I was a hospital Chaplain. Brenda looked right back at me and glared at me. She replied, “You’re a Chaplain are you?” And she continued: “Well, I never thought I would say this to a Chaplain, but I am “very” angry at God. God took my husband of 26 years away from me tonight. Can you tell me why God would do this to me? How can a loving God cause me so much pain? Do you call that a loving God?” She continued to glare at me and expected an answer. I told her I was sorry for her loss and that I didn’t have answers for her, but that I believed God was with her in her pain. Brenda did not accept my answer and continued to questions God’s love. She was deeply devastated and told me that when she goes home again, she will take some pills and join her husband. I continued to listen to her pain and reached for her hand to show her that I cared, because I knew that nothing I might say would help her at that moment. She needed to be in her pain. So I let her go on and talk. At one point I did interject and I told her that it’s obvious she really loved her husband. This is when I made a connection with her; Brenda burst into tears and I felt a softer tone come from her after this. I stayed with Brenda for over an hour that night and before I went home, I talked to her admitting doctor to give him my assessment - that Brenda was suicidal and needed to be kept and cared for in hospital. I was glad they agreed and admitted her. So I went back to Brenda and told her I would follow up with her the next morning and she said that would be nice.
Brenda also had a sense of humor – when I went back to see her the next morning, she told me how much better I looked. I told her a little bit of makeup and hair styling does wonders for a person and we both had a little laugh. Brenda was in the hospital for about four months before her diabetes cleared up, so we had lots of opportunities to continue to talk through her feelings and the hard questions she posed to me that first night I saw her. She really was a deeply Spiritual person, but so struck with grief that turned into anger against God. When her anger had softened, she shed many, many deep tears that I witnessed. One day Brenda told me that she asked God why he took her husband and that God told her this: “It was his time to go and I know you are hurt by this. But I am here with you and I will help you through this.” I commented on how lovely and comforting this must have been for her. She agreed. I believe that in witnessing Brenda’s tears, letting her talk them through and in listening to her review her own life, healing did happen for her. She was not only better physically when she left the hospital, but also emotionally and spiritually. It was hard to see Brenda go from the hospital; I had come to love and appreciate her. But I also knew that the work I started could be continued by someone else now in the community if Brenda so chose.
Brenda came back to the hospital about 6 years later and it just so happened that I needed to go to the unit where she was to see another patient. That particular unit was not my assigned unit, but I was the on-call Chaplain for the day and received a call to see the other patient. When I arrived to this particular unit for the other patient, I saw Brenda’s name on the patient list – it was a chance encounter. I believe it was also Divine providence and God’s leading for me to see her name on the board. I was thrilled and so excited about reconnecting with Brenda to see how she was doing. So I went into her room and said “Hello,” but I saw that she was unresponsive and my heart was saddened. I said “Hello” again but still no response. I left the room and spoke with her nurse to find out what her condition was and they told me that she was no longer eating and at the end of her life. This weighed heavy on my heart and the next day I thought, I need to go in and try again. Again, I said “Hello” to her, but there was no response. She was breathing, so I decided to pull up a chair and sit with her. Then I began to talk to her: I told her I had seen her six years ago and asked if she remembered me. I told her that I thought of her many times and wondered how she was doing. She then opened her eyes and mumbled something, but I could not understand what she said and I knew she couldn’t do any better. But this was enough for me to know that she heard me and acknowledged me. I gave her some words of reassurance and a blessing to enter peacefully into the next life. Then I left the room. She died that night. I was sad, but so glad that God led me to her at the end. It boggles my mind how God works, but what a gift this was for me.
As we know, in illness, grief, broken heartedness and in death, there is sometimes a helplessness and despair that takes its toll on human life. It is in this despair that Chaplains come and offer hope where possible, affirm life when appropriate, give cautious guidance, listen without judgment, and honor the persons before us, knowing that their lives have possibly been changed forever by what they are experiencing. It takes courage to be present to someone in a lot of pain and not to rush them through their pain. Some situations are easy when our presence is welcomed. Some situations are much more difficult. But whatever the situation before us, it is an honor to walk with people in need. Sometimes we do not know how to pray or how to relate to God in the difficult situations before us. We come from different walks of life and different faith communities. But we find that space to become neighbors and friends, part of the human family and part of God’s beloved creation.
The “soft” skills of caring, listening, being present and paying attention to feelings, are so much needed and missing in our society today. Skills geared towards power, status, and climbing the corporate ladder, have brought much hatred and destruction in our world and have not served our world well, not in politics, not environmentally, and certainly not relationally. I believe it is the soft skills that are the hope for our world and that can set us on a path of loving kindness, peace and acceptance of one another despite our differences.
And so, I continue my ministry of Spiritual Care giving to journey together in love, in caring friendship, offering guidance to those who hurt and feel helpless, and to those who have questions and are exploring the meaning of their life. I proceed hopefully affirming faith in the Divine One, in the human community and in the human spirit.
Brenda was a 68-year-old woman who was brought into emergency on the evening her husband died at home. When the ambulance took Brenda’s husband away to the Medical Examiner’s office, they also brought Brenda into emergency because of both her emotional and physical condition. She was very traumatized and had very bad diabetes in her legs.
I was on call that Monday evening and got called to the hospital about 11:30 pm. When I arrived, Brenda was in the hallway of emergency on a stretcher. I introduced myself and told her I was a hospital Chaplain. Brenda looked right back at me and glared at me. She replied, “You’re a Chaplain are you?” And she continued: “Well, I never thought I would say this to a Chaplain, but I am “very” angry at God. God took my husband of 26 years away from me tonight. Can you tell me why God would do this to me? How can a loving God cause me so much pain? Do you call that a loving God?” She continued to glare at me and expected an answer. I told her I was sorry for her loss and that I didn’t have answers for her, but that I believed God was with her in her pain. Brenda did not accept my answer and continued to questions God’s love. She was deeply devastated and told me that when she goes home again, she will take some pills and join her husband. I continued to listen to her pain and reached for her hand to show her that I cared, because I knew that nothing I might say would help her at that moment. She needed to be in her pain. So I let her go on and talk. At one point I did interject and I told her that it’s obvious she really loved her husband. This is when I made a connection with her; Brenda burst into tears and I felt a softer tone come from her after this. I stayed with Brenda for over an hour that night and before I went home, I talked to her admitting doctor to give him my assessment - that Brenda was suicidal and needed to be kept and cared for in hospital. I was glad they agreed and admitted her. So I went back to Brenda and told her I would follow up with her the next morning and she said that would be nice.
Brenda also had a sense of humor – when I went back to see her the next morning, she told me how much better I looked. I told her a little bit of makeup and hair styling does wonders for a person and we both had a little laugh. Brenda was in the hospital for about four months before her diabetes cleared up, so we had lots of opportunities to continue to talk through her feelings and the hard questions she posed to me that first night I saw her. She really was a deeply Spiritual person, but so struck with grief that turned into anger against God. When her anger had softened, she shed many, many deep tears that I witnessed. One day Brenda told me that she asked God why he took her husband and that God told her this: “It was his time to go and I know you are hurt by this. But I am here with you and I will help you through this.” I commented on how lovely and comforting this must have been for her. She agreed. I believe that in witnessing Brenda’s tears, letting her talk them through and in listening to her review her own life, healing did happen for her. She was not only better physically when she left the hospital, but also emotionally and spiritually. It was hard to see Brenda go from the hospital; I had come to love and appreciate her. But I also knew that the work I started could be continued by someone else now in the community if Brenda so chose.
Brenda came back to the hospital about 6 years later and it just so happened that I needed to go to the unit where she was to see another patient. That particular unit was not my assigned unit, but I was the on-call Chaplain for the day and received a call to see the other patient. When I arrived to this particular unit for the other patient, I saw Brenda’s name on the patient list – it was a chance encounter. I believe it was also Divine providence and God’s leading for me to see her name on the board. I was thrilled and so excited about reconnecting with Brenda to see how she was doing. So I went into her room and said “Hello,” but I saw that she was unresponsive and my heart was saddened. I said “Hello” again but still no response. I left the room and spoke with her nurse to find out what her condition was and they told me that she was no longer eating and at the end of her life. This weighed heavy on my heart and the next day I thought, I need to go in and try again. Again, I said “Hello” to her, but there was no response. She was breathing, so I decided to pull up a chair and sit with her. Then I began to talk to her: I told her I had seen her six years ago and asked if she remembered me. I told her that I thought of her many times and wondered how she was doing. She then opened her eyes and mumbled something, but I could not understand what she said and I knew she couldn’t do any better. But this was enough for me to know that she heard me and acknowledged me. I gave her some words of reassurance and a blessing to enter peacefully into the next life. Then I left the room. She died that night. I was sad, but so glad that God led me to her at the end. It boggles my mind how God works, but what a gift this was for me.
As we know, in illness, grief, broken heartedness and in death, there is sometimes a helplessness and despair that takes its toll on human life. It is in this despair that Chaplains come and offer hope where possible, affirm life when appropriate, give cautious guidance, listen without judgment, and honor the persons before us, knowing that their lives have possibly been changed forever by what they are experiencing. It takes courage to be present to someone in a lot of pain and not to rush them through their pain. Some situations are easy when our presence is welcomed. Some situations are much more difficult. But whatever the situation before us, it is an honor to walk with people in need. Sometimes we do not know how to pray or how to relate to God in the difficult situations before us. We come from different walks of life and different faith communities. But we find that space to become neighbors and friends, part of the human family and part of God’s beloved creation.
The “soft” skills of caring, listening, being present and paying attention to feelings, are so much needed and missing in our society today. Skills geared towards power, status, and climbing the corporate ladder, have brought much hatred and destruction in our world and have not served our world well, not in politics, not environmentally, and certainly not relationally. I believe it is the soft skills that are the hope for our world and that can set us on a path of loving kindness, peace and acceptance of one another despite our differences.
And so, I continue my ministry of Spiritual Care giving to journey together in love, in caring friendship, offering guidance to those who hurt and feel helpless, and to those who have questions and are exploring the meaning of their life. I proceed hopefully affirming faith in the Divine One, in the human community and in the human spirit.